Rollercoaster ride. And I don't do rollercoasters well.

So, I think all of like 2 people read this, but for now, I'm focusing on my need to get thoughts out so I can later look back on this and laugh at how ridiculous it all sounds and how life could be so much worse. For now, this is me venting and if you want to tell me to "put my big girl panties on" well, then stop reading b/c that's not what I want to hear right now :) I don't try to sugar coat things. This is real life. The past week or so has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I've laughed, I've cried. I've been frustrated, I've been impatient. I've laughed some more, I've cried some more. I've felt accomplishment, I've felt hope. I've felt lost, I've cried some more. I've felt loved, I've cried more. Seeing a trend here? Ok, so I didn't cry daily but I sure felt like I could. Moving around the world (and trying to take a 4 legged "child" with you), suffering the loss of yet another F-16 pilot (no, we didn't directly know them, but man, something just always hits home about that), prepping a child who has major separation anxiety issues from dad for a trip he'll be gone on for 2.5 months and getting updates from my dad that aren't always the best news are just a little more than I'd like to handle in one week.

Moving around the world. This is a big one for me. This will be a true test of how dependent upon my family I am. And I don't mean the immediate family that lives in my house. I'm pretty dependent upon the rest of the crazies that I've grown up with and been through lots of life's trials with. So why do I feel like I'm going a world away? Oh, because we are. *sigh* It mostly goes back to when I see the girls with family, my heart melts. I know how much I have always enjoyed being around family and I love that my kids love it too. But we won't have that at our fingertips for the next few years. It's more like out of arm's reach. :( *sigh* But life goes on. Thankfully, technology is amazing. We can skype, yup, set the youngest up with her own account already. She gets a kick out of skyping her dad before he even left the house. Don't ask. Last week we finally crossed the hurdle of situating the dog, yup, go ahead and roll your eyes because Lord knows I have quite a bit over him the past 2 months. We walked out of TMO (some military term for those that don't know) last Thursday and I was about to throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don't care (I really do, but hey, remember, this is about me) and finally we worked with our sponsors in Korea feverishly via email, FB chat, etc and boom, Thursday night we had our itinerary and Delta claims the dog is attached to the reservations. Now to keep him (with the combined weight of his kennel) under 100 lbs. That's for another day.

Another fighter pilot gone too soon. Sure, say what you want about how fighter pilots are obnoxious, pigheaded, socially unacceptable most often human beings but bottom line is they are sons, brothers, husbands, fathers. (I am not being sexist, I've just only known males to be the ones who are lost). This was all too real once again as we heard of the downed F-16 and then continued on to feel the hope with the entire rest of the F-16 community. After hope came heartache. They had found the pilot's body off the coast in Italy. The wife will now give birth to their first daughter without her husband. As a wife and mother, I've struggled with the emotions of this over the past week knowing I don't even feel an ounce of what the wife, family and others that actually knew him were feeling. These are unfathomable emotions that I would never wish on anyone and again, I can not imagine the intensity of them that others feel. I find myself doing something throughout the day and wondering what the wife might be doing at that moment. I picture the timeline. Then I try to push that timeline out of my mind because it makes my heart ache even more. I pray that the wife finds peace in her new baby girl ironically being named Serene according to everything I've heard and read. I pray for those reeling in emotions they thought they had under control but given the circumstances, have now resurfaced somewhat. I pray that as I sent my husband off to re-qualify in the jet, that I will continue to convince myself and believe him when he says "In the air is the safest place for me to be. I'm more likely to be killed on the way to work in a car."

Which brings me to my spawn, sweet baby girl, Em. We try to be up front with our kids and often times that comes back to bite us. Em wears her heart on her sleeve and can't hide how much she loves her Daddy. To the point where it's seriously an issue. Tears. Every. Night. Weepy. And he hasn't even left yet. Well, now he has but at that point, he hadn't. At school in January they talked about the next month being February. She came home and told us how she didn't want it to be February because that meant Dad was leaving. She carries her "Daddy Bear" everywhere. She made her own appointment with the school psychologist. Yea, ok so she may be her mother's child. But, hey, she's being proactive right? :) We struggled with this during his last deployment and each minor TDY since then. So this is nothing new but now you couple it with the impending move and this poor 7 year old isn't sure which way is up sometimes. She doesn't even really try to hide her feelings about how she doesn't want to move to Korea, how she'll miss her friends (yes, I've tried saying she'd make new ones because she's incredibly likeable) and how she doesn't understand how it can take Daddy 2.5 months to learn to fly the jet again. Often times I say "oh to be 7 again". Now is not one of those times. I don't want to encourage the behavior but it's true, real feelings. And her being so stinking smart doesn't help. "Daddy is always with me, he's here in my heart. But what's in the front of my brain is that he's gone and I miss him". Yup, cue tears. Well, cue me closing the door after having already given hugs and kisses for two parents, a "good night, I love you" and I am free to have my own emotions. Thus is the military life. I tried telling her on night #2 that, "Look, this is part of our life. We just have to deal with it". Yea, I don't think that's quite what she wants to hear, but it's true. And I don't exactly have the patience for her spiraling emotions at this point. (Busy praying for patience too, don't worry). I remember this from last time. It's tough to be two parents and fill the other ones shoes. It's tough to separate my motherly emotions from my wifely emotions, especially right now. I was practically forced to run into my husband so he could stop me and give me a hug as I went through the days on auto pilot the past week or so. I needed those hugs. Just like she needs her squish hug or hang on hug from him each night. But we carry on, because that's what we do. I read a blog post by someone yesterday talking about the AF's recent loss and about the sacrifice families make. There was a line in there that caught me "We volunteer, they are drafted". Totally makes sense. We do this and carry on because we're a family and we're all in it together. All the while with all these thoughts and emotions, I still take myself back to, life could be worse. I could be sitting here blogging about the loss of my husband or the issues I'm dealing with in raising my children as a single mother. I am blessed. My 7 year old may give me a run for my money and make me wonder if her college fund will really need to be put towards therapy bills, but at least it's because she loves her Daddy so much and not because she has a dad that isn't around for one reason or another.

Then there's my dad. He's one of a kind and I can't imagine life without him. I'm a daddy's girl and worry how he always tries to put up a front so no one will ever see him hurting in the slightest bit. Hmmm think I know another male in my life that does that :) Compartmentalizing works wonders. Just not for me. So as I sat sobbing when I felt like I would just explode if I didn't just cry it out, the hubby tried convincing me that everything will be okay and to just believe him (my dad). Easier said than done. But, believe I must. I must continue to see the faith my dad pushes on in his journey with. Hebrews 11:1.

So. Now what? I go back to cleaning and organizing and trying to make sense of the organized chaos for the next few weeks until I've got one more task taken care of and can fear the journey more than ever. I can wonder how I'll survive without Chipotle (yea laugh it up friends:)), how I'll miss the Rocky Mountains and the sandbars in Florida. And remind myself daily how blessed I am. Because as overwhelmed and emotional as I can get, I've got a hubby who loves me (even when he doesn't quite know how to respond to my rollercoaster emotions), 2 daughters who are sometimes as annoyed by me as I am by them but they too love me anyway, a family who is there for me no matter what (PUUUUHHHLEEEEAAASSEEE come visit), and some pretty amazing friends I've met along this journey. I've learned to count my blessings a little more often, not sweat the small stuff (sweat the big weights and the PR's you've yet to set), love a little deeper and appreciate the little things in life. Because after all, God is in control and He's placed us everywhere for a reason. He's got this one too. I've just got to pray for what's He's about to do, not what I want Him to do.

And for the immediate "now what"? I go do some laundry and wait for one of my blessings, a great friend, to deliver Chipotle to me. Yup. Truly blessed.

*sigh* I go back to my disclaimer I've made before. I'm hitting publish without editing this. Here's to hoping. I never claimed to be a writer. I do seem to be rather long winded though. And to think that's only about half of what's going on in this tiny brain of mine.


My theme song from the past week: