Rollercoaster ride. And I don't do rollercoasters well.

So, I think all of like 2 people read this, but for now, I'm focusing on my need to get thoughts out so I can later look back on this and laugh at how ridiculous it all sounds and how life could be so much worse. For now, this is me venting and if you want to tell me to "put my big girl panties on" well, then stop reading b/c that's not what I want to hear right now :) I don't try to sugar coat things. This is real life. The past week or so has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I've laughed, I've cried. I've been frustrated, I've been impatient. I've laughed some more, I've cried some more. I've felt accomplishment, I've felt hope. I've felt lost, I've cried some more. I've felt loved, I've cried more. Seeing a trend here? Ok, so I didn't cry daily but I sure felt like I could. Moving around the world (and trying to take a 4 legged "child" with you), suffering the loss of yet another F-16 pilot (no, we didn't directly know them, but man, something just always hits home about that), prepping a child who has major separation anxiety issues from dad for a trip he'll be gone on for 2.5 months and getting updates from my dad that aren't always the best news are just a little more than I'd like to handle in one week.

Moving around the world. This is a big one for me. This will be a true test of how dependent upon my family I am. And I don't mean the immediate family that lives in my house. I'm pretty dependent upon the rest of the crazies that I've grown up with and been through lots of life's trials with. So why do I feel like I'm going a world away? Oh, because we are. *sigh* It mostly goes back to when I see the girls with family, my heart melts. I know how much I have always enjoyed being around family and I love that my kids love it too. But we won't have that at our fingertips for the next few years. It's more like out of arm's reach. :( *sigh* But life goes on. Thankfully, technology is amazing. We can skype, yup, set the youngest up with her own account already. She gets a kick out of skyping her dad before he even left the house. Don't ask. Last week we finally crossed the hurdle of situating the dog, yup, go ahead and roll your eyes because Lord knows I have quite a bit over him the past 2 months. We walked out of TMO (some military term for those that don't know) last Thursday and I was about to throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don't care (I really do, but hey, remember, this is about me) and finally we worked with our sponsors in Korea feverishly via email, FB chat, etc and boom, Thursday night we had our itinerary and Delta claims the dog is attached to the reservations. Now to keep him (with the combined weight of his kennel) under 100 lbs. That's for another day.

Another fighter pilot gone too soon. Sure, say what you want about how fighter pilots are obnoxious, pigheaded, socially unacceptable most often human beings but bottom line is they are sons, brothers, husbands, fathers. (I am not being sexist, I've just only known males to be the ones who are lost). This was all too real once again as we heard of the downed F-16 and then continued on to feel the hope with the entire rest of the F-16 community. After hope came heartache. They had found the pilot's body off the coast in Italy. The wife will now give birth to their first daughter without her husband. As a wife and mother, I've struggled with the emotions of this over the past week knowing I don't even feel an ounce of what the wife, family and others that actually knew him were feeling. These are unfathomable emotions that I would never wish on anyone and again, I can not imagine the intensity of them that others feel. I find myself doing something throughout the day and wondering what the wife might be doing at that moment. I picture the timeline. Then I try to push that timeline out of my mind because it makes my heart ache even more. I pray that the wife finds peace in her new baby girl ironically being named Serene according to everything I've heard and read. I pray for those reeling in emotions they thought they had under control but given the circumstances, have now resurfaced somewhat. I pray that as I sent my husband off to re-qualify in the jet, that I will continue to convince myself and believe him when he says "In the air is the safest place for me to be. I'm more likely to be killed on the way to work in a car."

Which brings me to my spawn, sweet baby girl, Em. We try to be up front with our kids and often times that comes back to bite us. Em wears her heart on her sleeve and can't hide how much she loves her Daddy. To the point where it's seriously an issue. Tears. Every. Night. Weepy. And he hasn't even left yet. Well, now he has but at that point, he hadn't. At school in January they talked about the next month being February. She came home and told us how she didn't want it to be February because that meant Dad was leaving. She carries her "Daddy Bear" everywhere. She made her own appointment with the school psychologist. Yea, ok so she may be her mother's child. But, hey, she's being proactive right? :) We struggled with this during his last deployment and each minor TDY since then. So this is nothing new but now you couple it with the impending move and this poor 7 year old isn't sure which way is up sometimes. She doesn't even really try to hide her feelings about how she doesn't want to move to Korea, how she'll miss her friends (yes, I've tried saying she'd make new ones because she's incredibly likeable) and how she doesn't understand how it can take Daddy 2.5 months to learn to fly the jet again. Often times I say "oh to be 7 again". Now is not one of those times. I don't want to encourage the behavior but it's true, real feelings. And her being so stinking smart doesn't help. "Daddy is always with me, he's here in my heart. But what's in the front of my brain is that he's gone and I miss him". Yup, cue tears. Well, cue me closing the door after having already given hugs and kisses for two parents, a "good night, I love you" and I am free to have my own emotions. Thus is the military life. I tried telling her on night #2 that, "Look, this is part of our life. We just have to deal with it". Yea, I don't think that's quite what she wants to hear, but it's true. And I don't exactly have the patience for her spiraling emotions at this point. (Busy praying for patience too, don't worry). I remember this from last time. It's tough to be two parents and fill the other ones shoes. It's tough to separate my motherly emotions from my wifely emotions, especially right now. I was practically forced to run into my husband so he could stop me and give me a hug as I went through the days on auto pilot the past week or so. I needed those hugs. Just like she needs her squish hug or hang on hug from him each night. But we carry on, because that's what we do. I read a blog post by someone yesterday talking about the AF's recent loss and about the sacrifice families make. There was a line in there that caught me "We volunteer, they are drafted". Totally makes sense. We do this and carry on because we're a family and we're all in it together. All the while with all these thoughts and emotions, I still take myself back to, life could be worse. I could be sitting here blogging about the loss of my husband or the issues I'm dealing with in raising my children as a single mother. I am blessed. My 7 year old may give me a run for my money and make me wonder if her college fund will really need to be put towards therapy bills, but at least it's because she loves her Daddy so much and not because she has a dad that isn't around for one reason or another.

Then there's my dad. He's one of a kind and I can't imagine life without him. I'm a daddy's girl and worry how he always tries to put up a front so no one will ever see him hurting in the slightest bit. Hmmm think I know another male in my life that does that :) Compartmentalizing works wonders. Just not for me. So as I sat sobbing when I felt like I would just explode if I didn't just cry it out, the hubby tried convincing me that everything will be okay and to just believe him (my dad). Easier said than done. But, believe I must. I must continue to see the faith my dad pushes on in his journey with. Hebrews 11:1.

So. Now what? I go back to cleaning and organizing and trying to make sense of the organized chaos for the next few weeks until I've got one more task taken care of and can fear the journey more than ever. I can wonder how I'll survive without Chipotle (yea laugh it up friends:)), how I'll miss the Rocky Mountains and the sandbars in Florida. And remind myself daily how blessed I am. Because as overwhelmed and emotional as I can get, I've got a hubby who loves me (even when he doesn't quite know how to respond to my rollercoaster emotions), 2 daughters who are sometimes as annoyed by me as I am by them but they too love me anyway, a family who is there for me no matter what (PUUUUHHHLEEEEAAASSEEE come visit), and some pretty amazing friends I've met along this journey. I've learned to count my blessings a little more often, not sweat the small stuff (sweat the big weights and the PR's you've yet to set), love a little deeper and appreciate the little things in life. Because after all, God is in control and He's placed us everywhere for a reason. He's got this one too. I've just got to pray for what's He's about to do, not what I want Him to do.

And for the immediate "now what"? I go do some laundry and wait for one of my blessings, a great friend, to deliver Chipotle to me. Yup. Truly blessed.

*sigh* I go back to my disclaimer I've made before. I'm hitting publish without editing this. Here's to hoping. I never claimed to be a writer. I do seem to be rather long winded though. And to think that's only about half of what's going on in this tiny brain of mine.


My theme song from the past week:

Preparations

 When you come home to things like this, reality starts to set in.

 When you come home to things like this, reality sits in and makes you realize what a great hubby you have. Organization for an overseas move is key and with him leaving before any movers show up, he knows the way to my heart (and the way to keep my sanity in semi tact) is through organizing as much as he can before he has to leave.

Ready for their first passport photos!

Most Important Thing

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother". 

We got a good chuckle last night as we put the girls to bed and Eric passed me in the hallway after leaving the girls room and said "Have Emily show you the trick her Mommy and Daddy Bears do". So I proceeded to walk in and tell the girls good night and ask Emily to show me whatever she had just shown her Dad. Emily takes her bears and begins to have them kiss. A lot. *insert laughter from Mom* Then she has them walk away from each other saying "Good bye". I said, "So is that what you think we do when we go say good bye?" She responded by showing me another reenactment with her bears. This time the kissing was not as long. But she smiled the entire time. Bears gave a kiss and walked away from each other. My next question to her was "So should Daddy and I kiss like that first round when we're saying good bye?" She simply giggled. 

Fast forward to this morning when we were walking out the door for school and all Daddy's girls were saying goodbye to him. Little girls give Daddy a hug and kiss good bye. Mommy goes towards Daddy and says "Wait, Emily.... ready?? Like this?" and I proceed to ACT like we're making out. Trust me, I have lines I don't cross ;) Both girls laugh and we all walk out the door happily. 

While the girls will one day be embarrassed of our actions around them, regardless of whether it's kissing or showing off our dance moves to their friends, for now, I'm content with knowing they know their Mommy and Daddy love each other.  

How You Live

So unless you've been living under a rock, you are aware of the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary back on December 14, 2012. As we spent the few days following with the tv away from the news and limiting what the girls would watch so they wouldn't be subjected to the around the clock updates, it broke my heart to think of all the parents must be going through. I've got a 7 year old. I couldn't imagine life without her even as trying as she can be some days. I've also got a 9 year old. When explaining it to the 9 year old, her response was "why would he go for the youngest kids, why not like the 5th graders?" I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that other than to say, "Well we'd hope that never happens to anyone of any age", but I understood what she meant. Why the innocence of those who don't know any better? I'll never be able to understand why someone could want to intentionally hurt children of any age and certainly not a classroom full of innocent children. As the next few weeks passed and the children tested boundaries, I found myself thinking, "this too shall pass". There are parents out there who don't get to disagree with their child on what they should or shouldn't have for a snack. They don't get to break up arguments between siblings because now they may only have one child. They don't get to hear them complain about how they don't want to eat their vegetables at dinner, or any meal for that matter. They don't get to hear them ask for "just one more kiss and hug Mommy" or "Daddy can we have a squish hug tonight?" As the weeks passed by, I also found myself listening to the radio and continuously hearing the song below. I'd heard it before, but now it spoke to me even more. 

Cause it's not who you knew

And it's not what you did, it's how you live

They always say "it's not what you know, it's who you know". But this song changes that. It's how you live. Sure, who you meet will impact your life. What you do will also impact your life. But HOW you do all those things will mean the most. 

And have what you want

But want what you have

What those parents wouldn't give to have 5 more minutes with their babies. I have all I could ever dream of. And then some by simply having my babies with me each day. But as I try to teach my children to be gracious for what they have, what better way to do that than to show them. We've talked about how in Korea the squadron takes a trip to the local orphanage at Christmas time to give gifts to the children.  The girls have taken that and run with it wanting to start making gifts to pass on now because why should we have to wait until Christmas to do that? Makes my heart smile until the constant reminder of "mom, we need to buy fabric now to start making things for the children" is brought up. Actually, I lie, either way it makes my heart smile but I could live without the daily reminders of the lack of supplies in the house.

Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken

Wear your red dress, use your good dishes

Make a big mess and make lots of wishes

I was reminded of this today when at Target with the 9 year old who insisted upon new dishes. Why you ask? Because ours are simply a couple of different solid colors and she wanted to ensure everyone in the family had the exact same dish for dinner every night ("We can just wash this one set every night Mom"). So thank you Target clearance, for less than $7 total we each have one plate that matches perfectly and my child will be content knowing that at dinner time, we are that much more united as a family. Seems like a pretty silly thing to me but in her 9 year old mind, I know that the minute those plates come out, she'll feel a connection to her family that totally makes sense to her and it will be special to her. I know that as my husband walked into the playroom and grumbled about the mess left behind by 2 children who quite often forget how to pick up after themselves, it's a reminder that we have 2 little bodies to love on and adore as we watch them grow into young ladies. Man, that makes me feel a tad bit older just typing it. Or maybe it was the comment again from the 9 year old today about how excited she is to get her first ID at 10 (she's been told she has to get a military ID at that point, so it's what she wants for her birthday. Sweet.) But how she also mentioned, "Mom did you get a different picture for your ID because on yours now you don't look that young". Uh, thanks kid. Yea so I knew what she really meant and she really was wondering if they would use some school picture for her or if she'd get to take a new fancy picture just for the ID. Anyway, way off track somehow. 

Either way, this song helps bring me back around to viewing life differently as so many things have the past few years.

So give to the needy and pray for the grieving 

Even when you don't think that you can

'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you

So, think of your fellow man

Or in my case, WOman. Whenever I think my life is going rough and I'm in a rut, I can think of quite a few other people right off hand, wives mostly, who have it much worse. BUT, they choose to live out the "HOW you live" part of life.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. And just a heads up, if something doesn't make sense, sorry. I don't bother going back to read all my thoughts and ensure all the wording is correct or if it makes sense because it will just keep me sitting here longer analyzing it all. You get my first/final draft. Mostly.

We're baaaaaccccckkkk.....

After a year and a half long hiatus, we're back. We'll see how this goes as life has certainly gotten busier as the girls have gotten older and I'm pretty sure I don't see it slowing down anytime soon. However, I promised a few people over the holiday break that I'd do my best to start this back up to help keep those that aren't on Facebook or that we don't get to talk with often up to speed. I will be trying to spruce up the blog a bit, but I can't make promises there either. I lack creativity in writing, computer skills for sprucing it up and time, all key in what I'd really like this to be. Oh well.

I'm not even going to try and backlog other than to let you know the reason for the blog starting back up is that the Music family is about to begin the next chapter of our lives. This time from Korea!

There are lots of emotions that go along with us moving overseas from mostly just the females in the family, but we're happy and blessed to be on this journey together as a family and not sending the head of our household on his own. We leave our comfort zone of the states and embark on this journey mid to late April once E has gotten re-qualified in the jet.

For now, we prepare ourselves the best we can and know that God has His hand in all of it. At least that's what I just need to keep in mind to keep my stress at a bearable level :) Happy 2013 to everyone! Or in Korean : 새해 복 많이 받으세요. Ha, at least I hope that's what it says. Good ol' Google. 

9

It's no secret that I LOVE to take pictures. Silly pictures, serious pictures, self portraits with the girls or Eric, any pictures. Not really one for pictures of landscaping and such but I love pics with my family and friends. Over the years, I love to look back and remember just how tough it was to get my hubby to smile in pictures. I used to have to beg him. Well, after 13 years of knowing each other, I am proud to say that I no longer have to beg for that incredible smile. It's even to the point where he suggests the pictures sometimes. He's come a long way since July of 1998 with his boyish grin :) One day all of the pictures we've taken will be put into scrapbooks so we can sit and glance through (in a timely manner) the memories we've made as a couple and as a family. One day, just doesn't seem to be today. It's all these pictures that he takes and creates family videos from as well, so I love that he has learned to share my love of photographs.

10

Hello again Blogger World. Forget trying to catch up on all that's happened in the past 5-6 months. Instead I will post (moreso just so I have this somewhere else other than on Facebook) 10 things I am thankful for about my hubby in honor of our 10th wedding anniversary in 10 days. We won't be spending it together (surprise, surprise with this military life), but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what he means to me. So with that, here is #10 (all will be accompanied by a song b/c what can I say, I love music ;)). These will be in no particular order and will simply depend on my mood for the day. However, the single (double really) most blessing(s) in my life were given to me by the hubby. He is such a wonderful father with two little girls that never have to wonder just how much he loves them. The following video was the first one I saw of this song and it couldn't be more perfect for right now.

Christmas

We really started Christmas out with a bang. We started off one day by going over to the neighborhood center and letting the girls play basketball. Well Emily was passed a ball and it hit her pinky the wrong way. No big deal, I figured it was a good jam and we'd be good to go by the next day. She didn't really complain about it until she went to bed and was busy playing (when they were supposed to be sleeping) and hit it. So Christmas Eve morning, I headed over to work out after having sent Eric pictures of her finger. He quickly replied with "I've had broken fingers that look better than that, you need to take her to the ER". Mom's response was "She'll tough it out and be fine. I don't want to spend Christmas Eve in the ER for a jammed pinky". Needless to say, we went in for x-rays and after 3 1/2 hours at the ER, we came home with a splint on her left pinky. That was only the beginning of Christmas break!

Riding in the wheel chair to get her x-rays. Not sure why they need a wheelchair for a pinky.

Getting ready to head to Christmas Eve Mass

Daddy got to miss the one year where I think we only took 30 seconds to snap a picture or two. We had a gimp sheep and shepherd to get to church!

Moving on to Christmas Eve where we have everything ready for Santa and his reindeer.

Listening to Daddy read "The Night Before Christmas" before heading to bed.

We were tracking Santa and we saw that he had even stopped in Iraq to see Daddy!

Then came Christmas morning. About 430 Emily came in complaining about her stomach and life took another turn for the worst as we embarked on the stomach bug for Christmas Day! We spent the next few hours running back and forth between the bathroom, half the time me carrying her b/c she was too weak to get there herself. We finally got up around 930 or 10 and started opening presents. Thank the Lord for technology as we still got to be up and running on Skype with Daddy even though he couldn't be here with us. Needless to say, Christmas was low key for us.

A few days after Christmas, we got another opinion about Emily's pinky and ended up having a whole cast put on it. January 28th is when she gets it off! For now, it stinks, but she hasn't missed a beat.

Following Emily getting her cast on, we had plans to hang with friends for New Years Eve and ring in the new year. Someone had other plans for us, b/c Nichole caught Emily's stomach bug and we were all in bed before the ball dropped. We spent the next few days more low key, disinfecting the house and trying to get ready for school to start up again. It's amazing how different Mommy felt once Christmas break and all it's hoopla was over and school was back in session. We missed Daddy this year, he lucked out missing out on all the fun, but we will enjoy Christmas this coming year that much more!

Operation: Love Reunited

There is a program that local photographers participate called "Operation: Love Reunited" (oplove.org) and it revolves around military families. The photographers donate their time to photograph military families at some point before a deployment, during a deployment for those left behind or for the homecoming. In a day where the military isn't always supported, it's always great to see those who still want our troops to know they care. Once we knew Eric was for sure deploying, I wanted to take advantage of the chance to get some fall photos. So on a non windy day (those are far and few between here in KS), we headed out to our photographers house and got what I think are some incredible shots. Eric was a good sport for it, as were the girls. I love how all the pictures came out and am so thankful to our photographer for taking the time out of her busy schedule for us. Again, her time was donated out of the goodness of her heart. Another part of this program is the photographer sends an album to the deployed member, so I'm excited for Eric to get his as a little keepsake for the next few months. Anyway, here are some of the shots our photographer caught. Be sure to check out the program and if you're in the Kansas area, check out our photographer, Ali Mocabee. (Click on her name to go to her website).

When did my babies grow to be so big?

I'm so glad I wanted to get pics of us all in our Dolphin jerseys. It's part of our life.

Probably one of my favorite pictures from the session and makes me tear up with Daddy being gone. My kiddos have one incredible Daddy.

2010 Update

So I've given up on trying to update New Hampshire, start of school, friends visiting, fall soccer, girls birthdays/party, a visit from Uncle Stephen and Aunt Libby and anything else that has happened that I haven't written about. Most likely, you've either talked to me or seen pictures on Facebook or Picasa. If you haven't, well I won't say get with technology, but check it out or call me. Because unfortunately with life being busy, I've started lacking in the communication department. (I'll blame my hubby who has been home more the past 6 months than in the past 6 years:)). Listing all those things above just makes me tired. But they have been all super fun events that have kept us busy making memories and going through life.

Which brings us all to now, two weeks before Christmas 2010. Unfortunately I'm having a harder time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Last year we were celebrating the blessing of my dad getting to be home for Christmas and spending the holidays with family. This year, it's my brother and I and the girls. Partially by choice, but certainly the minus Daddy bit was not by choice. We've lucked out until now to never hit the holidays on a deployment rotation, but it was our turn. So we'll stick around here in Kansas, spend some time with friends and hope the girls (read Mommy) survive Christmas break. As I've tried to sit and get to updating the blog in the midst of getting work done for my job, creating spin rides, taking care of my house and children, I keep hearing the songs playing on the playlist. I think the Dave Barnes songs is one of my all time favorite songs that I could hear over and over and never get tired of. It brings me back to reality and how blessed I am with a husband who loves me for me, appreciates my quirks (and cold feet) and even though he can't be with us this Christmas, I know he's busy doing a job he signed up to do and I couldn't be more proud of him. It makes me realize that even though he can't be here, I HAVE someone to miss and love and that in 5 1/2 months will be reunited with again. Not all of my friends have that for one reason or another. As I was in my rut over Eric leaving a few weeks ago and missing him, my dad quickly reminded me of my friend Leigh. I thought of her many times as I spent my last few moments with my husband and realized none of us ever know when a moment with someone we love may be our last. It's tough to grasp that concept living day to day and you end up falling into taking the time for granted. But when you don't have it, it turns into another story. Going through long TDY's and deployments always brings me to a very real appreciation and sympathy for single moms as well. I don't have the struggles that many single moms have outside of trying to be two parents in one. I simply have to constantly convey to my children who are missing their dad that he loves them and misses them too, but that we'll all be together again soon. Single moms don't have that luxury. So my goal for this season of life is to learn appreciation and strength. Sure, part of me is "missing" and I don't feel as complete as I normally do when I have my other half around, but we keep going. We keep the faith that one day this next summer, God will bring him home safely to us and we'll be complete again. Because after all, God gave me you for the ups and downs and God gave me you for the days of doubt.

See my next post for more of the latest family pictures.

*Note to author: Could you be a little more complete, more organized and less A.D.D. with your thoughts? I guess Emily gets it honest. ;)